Child dispute resolution hearing

[tanyashaw79]

Hello everyone, 

I'm actually at a loss to what happened yesterday in court. 

My ex and I have been married for 7 years and we have two young children (2 & 6). 

It has been a very difficult separation so far. The atmosphere after I told him that I wanted to separate was toxic (for myself and the children) so I moved out of the family home and am renting privately. He stayed in the home saying he was entitled to until the children were 18. He has been paying the full mortgage since I moved out (I helped for the first 3 months but just couldn't afford it any longer as I was paying rent elsewhere). 

We currently have a 60/40 arrangement with the majority of the children's time being spent with me. This has been the case for the last 14 months since I moved out. My ex has refused any child maintenance claiming that he didn't have to contribute as I claim for their childcare costs through universal credit. He continues to harass me, control me through childcare arrangements and most recently has embarked on financial abuse where he's refusing to pay the mortgage on the jointly owned home with the threat of getting be blacklisted to force me into accepting his unfair financial other out of court. This is all to punish me for finally applying for child maintenance. I have to say that his behaviour has been nothing short of horrendous yet the court yesterday just did not seem interested. I was bombarded and threatened by his barrister (how he can afford one of these yet says he can't afford the mortgage is a strange one) and the judge just didn't seem interested at all. Would not listen to me about how his behaviour does (and will into the future) impact the children. They have this notion that 50/50 is best but I honestly don't think it is in our situation and I stood firm yesterday dispute his barrister and the judge telling me so. 

I still breastfeed our 2 year old. I realise I will have to wean them off soon but the thought of having to stop before they are ready is awful. They still get so much comfort from it, whether it's when they are sad or upset. 

How can he provide financially for the extra time he has with the children (if he can't afford the mortgage to keep a roof over their head). How can he be there emotionally for them when he's so hell bent on ruining and controlling my life? They cry when he picks them up especially the eldest on a Thursday when she knows that she will be away from me for 2 days. It's just awful. How can a judge who doesn't know our situation decide this? And why do they not care about what he is doing? (Which DOES and WILL) have an effect on the children? 

I felt so awful yesterday. I was really ganged up on and made to feel like I was in the wrong for even making them aware of his awful behaviour. His barrister's comment was "well, if you continue to throw these allegations around then Ian has some of his own that he will have to use". I was literally gob smacked. Isn't that essentially threatening me if I continue with this? Instead of listening and wanting to know what he's done (I have proof of everything) I was literally made to feel so guilty. I get that from his barrister as she's paid by him to represent and fight for him (how she can sleep at night is beyond me) but also from the judge. She just didn't seem interested in anything and was trying to force me into accepting his suggestion of alternate weeks during the holidays. How is this best for a 2 year old who is still currently breastfeeding. I was shocked. 

Has anyone else had similar experiences in court? I generally felt so let down by the legal system yesterday. 

[Peter B]

On 5/29/2024 at 7:11 AM, tanyashaw79 said:

My ex has refused any child maintenance claiming that he didn't have to contribute as I claim for their childcare costs through universal credit.

That doesn't sound right at all, you can definitely claim child maintenance even if you are claiming Universal Credit in the UK. In fact, I don't think receiving child maintenance payments will affect the amount of Universal Credit you get either.

• Universal Credit is a benefit that tops up your earnings if you're on a low income, and it includes a specific amount to help with the cost of raising children
• Child maintenance payments are separate contributions from the other parent towards the upkeep of your child

So basically you are actually entitled to both!

Posting these links as others may not be aware;

• Universal Credit and your family: https://www.gov.uk/universal-credit
• Child Maintenance Service: https://www.gov.uk/child-maintenance-service

On 5/29/2024 at 7:11 AM, tanyashaw79 said:

I was bombarded and threatened by his barrister (how he can afford one of these yet says he can't afford the mortgage is a strange one)

I believe all legal costs (to date & estimated remaining) have to be declared by both parties to the court so you should be able to find out exactly how much he has spent on legal fees vs you.

On 5/29/2024 at 7:11 AM, tanyashaw79 said:

They cry when he picks them up especially the eldest on a Thursday when she knows that she will be away from me for 2 days. It's just awful. How can a judge who doesn't know our situation decide this? And why do they not care about what he is doing? (Which DOES and WILL) have an effect on the children? 

I feel your pain, it is awful, you feel hopeless and frustrated that no one else understands the history or your children as well as you do.   The only thing I can say is that this is only temporary and time will heal all of you, children are also good at adapting to new situations.  I just keep telling myself its the quality vs quantity of time I have with them now which is important, I spend more time now planning what I'm going to do with them when I do see them so we all get the best out of it.   No child should have to go through this but also staying together for the sake of the children isn't usually the best idea either.

On 5/29/2024 at 7:11 AM, tanyashaw79 said:

I felt so awful yesterday. I was really ganged up on and made to feel like I was in the wrong for even making them aware of his awful behaviour. His barrister's comment was "well, if you continue to throw these allegations around then Ian has some of his own that he will have to use". I was literally gob smacked. Isn't that essentially threatening me if I continue with this? Instead of listening and wanting to know what he's done (I have proof of everything) I was literally made to feel so guilty. I get that from his barrister as she's paid by him to represent and fight for him (how she can sleep at night is beyond me) but also from the judge. She just didn't seem interested in anything and was trying to force me into accepting his suggestion of alternate weeks during the holidays. How is this best for a 2 year old who is still currently breastfeeding. I was shocked. 

Has anyone else had similar experiences in court? I generally felt so let down by the legal system yesterday. 

Yes that does sound like a threat, I'm not sure the court will like that at all, I wouldn't retaliate in any way.

2 years does sound very very young and I'm also surprised to hear the courts reaction & take on this.   Hopefully others on here can advise / share their stories with very young children.

Edited June 1, 2024 by Peter B