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I'm hoping for a bit of advice please.

My husband and I separated 2 years ago and I moved out of the family home 14 months ago. I am renting privately and my husband is still in the family home paying the mortgage. We are due to attend court for our final financial hearing in October. We have two young boys who are residing with me 60/40.

We have little assets. Our home which has been valued at £315000 with a mortgage of £168000 left. Our pensions are very similar. Mine is £39k, his is £30k.

He has made me an offer of 50% of the house equity minus the early repayment fee and the cost of sale. He is also taking 50% of the difference in our pensions (£4.5k minus cost to get pension statements). He has been lent money from his family to buy me out and pay off the remainder of the mortgage.

He is now telling me that he is struggling financially and can't afford to pay the mortgage anymore. He has stopped the mortgage direct debit and says that unless I accept his offer out of court, he will default and we will both have bad credit going forward. I suppose he's not bothered because he has his family's money and won't need a mortgage or to rent if he buys me out but I will need to.

This has ovbiously scared me and I have spoken to the lender who have advised me that we can switch to an interest only mortgage for the next 6 months and that will take us (almost!) up to the court hearing, but my husband has to agree. I've spoken to him and told him this but he is refusing and says if I change it to an interest only mortgage he will cancel it.

I am completely stuck and don't know what to do. He's essentially trying to bully me into accepting with the threat of defaulting. He has access to his family's money but won't use it to pay the mortgage until the hearing and is saying that we have to put it up for a quick sale (below lowest valuation) so I will essentially get less than what he's offering so it's in my best interest to accept.

What can I do in this position? My Dad has offered to lend me the money to buy him out but I know he will refuse this straight away.

What happens if both parties want to buy each other out but one is saying he now can't afford to pay the mortgage? Will the court order us to sell to a 3rd party or say I can buy him out (even if he refuses)?

Any advice would be greatly appreciated please.
Thank you!

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Hi @tanyashaw79, sorry to hear you're going through this, it sounds awful 😞

Have you got all this correspondence with your ex-husband in writing, especially about defaulting on the mortgage - I don't think the court will find that very acceptable given that he appears to have money from his family which can pay off the mortgage anyway - so it's not clear why he is "struggling financially and can't afford to pay the mortgage".  It's definitely comes across as a threat.

It goes without saying you should seek legal advice, but I'm sure you're already doing that given you've got a court hearing.

He has made me an offer of 50% of the house equity minus the early repayment fee and the cost of sale. He is also taking 50% of the difference in our pensions (£4.5k minus cost to get pension statements). He has been lent money from his family to buy me out and pay off the remainder of the mortgage.

On 5/10/2024 at 11:27 PM, tanyashaw79 said:

He has made me an offer of 50% of the house equity minus the early repayment fee and the cost of sale.

Why should you pay the early repayment fee & cost of sale - this should surely be split between you

On 5/10/2024 at 11:27 PM, tanyashaw79 said:

What happens if both parties want to buy each other out but one is saying he now can't afford to pay the mortgage? Will the court order us to sell to a 3rd party or say I can buy him out (even if he refuses)?

I'm not too sure what happens when both parties want to buy each other out - at the end of the day the court will want to ensure the children are housed and can spend time with you both.  If you can't decide who will buy who out the court may just order the house is sold and you split the equity - the % split will be based on multiple things such as your earning potential & mortgage capacity

I'm sure you're aware but If you have the children for more nights than him he'll need to pay you child maintenance. 

I wouldn't worry too much about it, it's pretty clear to anyone that he's bulling you I assume the court will frown upon this.  Just keep a log of all communication and see what your solicitor says.   I wouldn't rush into anything without legal advice.

Our of interest was there a reason you moved out of the family home?

I'm still waiting for my court hearing, end of October, feels like forever doesn't it 😞 

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On 5/10/2024 at 11:27 PM, tanyashaw79 said:

He is now telling me that he is struggling financially and can't afford to pay the mortgage anymore. He has stopped the mortgage direct debit and says that unless I accept his offer out of court, he will default and we will both have bad credit going forward.

@tanyashaw79 Have you both completed a Form E yet, this will prove whether he is indeed struggling financially.  I agree with @Joanna's point - if he's admitted he can fully pay off the mortgage and buy you out then that doesn't sound like he's struggling at all.   Why can't his family fund the mortgage payment until at least the court date.   Don't be bullied into accepting a potentially bad offer you may later regret.  It's not just the house equity in question here, is he going to pay you any spousal maintenance on top of child maintenance - you need legal advice on all this.

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1 hour ago, Joanna said:

Hi @tanyashaw79, sorry to hear you're going through this, it sounds awful 😞

Have you got all this correspondence with your ex-husband in writing, especially about defaulting on the mortgage - I don't think the court will find that very acceptable given that he appears to have money from his family which can pay off the mortgage anyway - so it's not clear why he is "struggling financially and can't afford to pay the mortgage".  It's definitely comes across as a threat.

It goes without saying you should seek legal advice, but I'm sure you're already doing that given you've got a court hearing.

He has made me an offer of 50% of the house equity minus the early repayment fee and the cost of sale. He is also taking 50% of the difference in our pensions (£4.5k minus cost to get pension statements). He has been lent money from his family to buy me out and pay off the remainder of the mortgage.

Why should you pay the early repayment fee & cost of sale - this should surely be split between you

I'm not too sure what happens when both parties want to buy each other out - at the end of the day the court will want to ensure the children are housed and can spend time with you both.  If you can't decide who will buy who out the court may just order the house is sold and you split the equity - the % split will be based on multiple things such as your earning potential & mortgage capacity

I'm sure you're aware but If you have the children for more nights than him he'll need to pay you child maintenance. 

I wouldn't worry too much about it, it's pretty clear to anyone that he's bulling you I assume the court will frown upon this.  Just keep a log of all communication and see what your solicitor says.   I wouldn't rush into anything without legal advice.

Our of interest was there a reason you moved out of the family home?

I'm still waiting for my court hearing, end of October, feels like forever doesn't it 😞 

Hello Joanna,

Thank you so much for your reply. It really is an awful time at the moment and I'm trying to research as much as possible to keep solicitor fees down but it's proving difficult. 

Fortunately for me he can't communicate with me face to face so everything is all in texts which of course I have kept. I have everything in writing. I have him saying he can't afford to pay the mortgage so has literally just stopped the direct debit for it with the bank, instead of speaking to them and negotiating something he can afford. I have him refusing to allow me to change it to an interest only amount for 6 months, stating that if I switch it he will just cancel it. I'm going to speak to the lender tomorrow, tell them what he has told me he will do and see if they can just overwrite him. Surely they could do this? If I'm willing (by going into more debt) to pay the interest only amount each month until court then they can let me? I just can't default and be blacklisted as this will affect me and the children getting suitable accommodation going forward. 

In terms of the early repayment fee and legal fees for the house he has deducted 50% each. 

He has his family's money but won't use it to pay the mortgage each month. It's emotional blackmail and I've had enough. If he won't let me buy him out then I will tell him to put it on the market as he's said he wants (but I know he doesn't). He knows I would like him to stay there as it'll be less upheaval for the children when they are with him but he's playing on this. I have to realise that it's just a house and the children need me to be ok. 

He's saying we have to put it up for a quick sale because he can't afford to pay the mortgage but the offer that he is offering me is more than we will get for a quick sale (another threat). I'm not sure he realises that even if we do sell the money will have to stay with the solicitor until we've had the hearing. If I'm not mistaken? So essentially he's going to be homeless with a bad credit and no money until the courts decide? He thinks I'm scared to go to court and fight him. I am but I'm getting stronger and by not rolling over with this hopefully I'm showing him he can't do this any longer. 

Child maintenance is a whole different story as well. Since moving out 14 months ago he hasn't given me anything to help with the children. I did it alone for a year but was getting further and further into debt and applied to the CMS 2 months ago. He has hit the roof and this is another reason he's saying he can't afford the mortgage. Now he's saying that because I'm receiving maintenance for the children I have to provide summer clothes for the children for whilst they're at his house. It's all so messy. 

I moved out of the family home because the atmosphere was so toxic. I was sleeping on my eldest's floor and I just couldn't stay there any longer. If I did anything he didn't agree with he'd punish me, it was awful. 

Thank you so much for your response Joanna. I really hope your situation isn't as awful as mine. Do you feel prepared for your hearing? Wishing you best wishes. 

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1 hour ago, Peter B said:

@tanyashaw79 Have you both completed a Form E yet, this will prove whether he is indeed struggling financially.  I agree with @Joanna's point - if he's admitted he can fully pay off the mortgage and buy you out then that doesn't sound like he's struggling at all.   Why can't his family fund the mortgage payment until at least the court date.   Don't be bullied into accepting a potentially bad offer you may later regret.  It's not just the house equity in question here, is he going to pay you any spousal maintenance on top of child maintenance - you need legal advice on all this.

Hi Peter,

Thank you for your reply. 

Yes we have both completed a form E each. He was ok financially (better than myself) with the figures he supplied. He didn't include his family's loan in his current assets - he's saying that he will get the money from them once I've agreed on his offer. But the amount he can get from them is only the amount he is offering me. So if I don't agree to it, he will have to give the money back and put the house on the market. He's trying to bully me I know but I just can't get blacklisted and have bad credit. If he buys me out with his family's money he knows that he won't need credit, whereas I will. I'm stuck! 

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3 hours ago, tanyashaw79 said:

I'm trying to research as much as possible to keep solicitor fees down but it's proving difficult. 

Fortunately for me he can't communicate with me face to face so everything is all in texts which of course I have kept. I have everything in writing.

I have him saying he can't afford to pay the mortgage so has literally just stopped the direct debit for it with the bank, instead of speaking to them and negotiating something he can afford. I have him refusing to allow me to change it to an interest only amount for 6 months, stating that if I switch it he will just cancel it. I'm going to speak to the lender tomorrow, tell them what he has told me he will do and see if they can just overwrite him. Surely they could do this? If I'm willing (by going into more debt) to pay the interest only amount each month until court then they can let me? I just can't default and be blacklisted as this will affect me and the children getting suitable accommodation going forward. 

In terms of the early repayment fee and legal fees for the house he has deducted 50% each. 

Hi Tanya,

It's understandable you're trying to keep the solicitor fees to a minimum, the problem is that if it's a contested divorce and drags out it could cost you more in the long run if you don't get early advice.  I’m pleased you have everything in writing, his behaviour won't come across as very acceptable to the court. 

The best you can do is what you’re already doing: inform the mortgage company you’re willing to work with them & cover the interest payment.  I would have thought they are better off with receiving some money rather than nothing, but if it’s a joint mortgage it may not be possible unless both of you agree due to the way contracts work.

The mortgage company must have delt with this situation before many times, they should be able to clarify your options, perhaps explain you have a court hearing coming up - they may be able to offer you a payment holiday for a few months.  Perhaps being the primary carer for your 2 children works in your favour as well.  I’m not sure how the blacklisting works and whether you can get the court to order you are taken off that list at a later date.  

Are you going to represent yourself at court?   There is quite a lot of paperwork which needs to get sorted out beforehand, i.e. its not just the legal advice which your solicitor will offer.

Do you know whether he’s recently lost his job or something, it’s not clear why he was able to pay the mortgage before but not now?

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3 hours ago, tanyashaw79 said:

He knows I would like him to stay there as it'll be less upheaval for the children when they are with him but he's playing on this. I have to realise that it's just a house and the children need me to be ok. 

Won't it be an upheaval for them anyway if you move, or are you intending to keep renting?  Are you buying a house once you receive your share of the equity, in which case you and the children will need to move anyway.   I wouldn't let him play on that at all.   Depending on the funds available it may not be possible for him to remain in the house anyway, the court may deem you require a much larger share of the property equity to the point where his family can't cover the current mortgage dept and your pay-off.   The court will look at all savings, investments, debts, current salaries, earning potential, skills, age, pensions, current & future expected monthly bills etc. etc. they will determine what you both need to live on going forwards and your future needs - focusing primarily on what the children require.

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3 hours ago, tanyashaw79 said:

He's saying we have to put it up for a quick sale because he can't afford to pay the mortgage but the offer that he is offering me is more than we will get for a quick sale (another threat).

The offer he's offering you may in fact be a lot less than you're actually entitled to.   Whilst I wouldn't heavily discount the value of the property for a quick sale you do need to weigh up the pros & cons of delaying it.   I would definitely not agree to any house sale or deal he offers without getting at least some initial advice from a solicitor, you may well find out you have more options than you initially realised.

Are you going to mediation at all or did that fall through?  The mediator can also suggest suitable options and they are there to get you 2 talking.   Meditation unfortunately failed miserably for me and ended up being a waste of time (after 8 sessions) as we were too far apart in what we both wanted.  The court will want to see (& need proof) that you both tried mediation, they will ask for a certificate.

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3 hours ago, tanyashaw79 said:

I'm not sure he realises that even if we do sell the money will have to stay with the solicitor until we've had the hearing. If I'm not mistaken?

You are correct, neither of you will be able to touch the the proceeds of the house sale - the funds will stay with an independant solicitor until such a time you've reached a legal agreement.  One potentially issue you should be aware of though - he (or you) could request money from the shared pot in order to pay for his housing or legal fees, thus potentially reducing both of your savings, I've heard of this scenario before.

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3 hours ago, tanyashaw79 said:

He thinks I'm scared to go to court and fight him. I am but I'm getting stronger and by not rolling over with this hopefully I'm showing him he can't do this any longer. 

It's sounding more and more like you only option is to go to court, don't just roll over and give in, a bad decision may affect you for the rest of your life.

3 hours ago, tanyashaw79 said:

Child maintenance is a whole different story as well. Since moving out 14 months ago he hasn't given me anything to help with the children. I did it alone for a year but was getting further and further into debt and applied to the CMS 2 months ago. He has hit the roof and this is another reason he's saying he can't afford the mortgage. Now he's saying that because I'm receiving maintenance for the children I have to provide summer clothes for the children for whilst they're at his house. It's all so messy. 

I guess in hindsight you could have applied to the CMS immediately, was there a reason for delaying this?  It sounds like he's expecting to keep the house (and maybe even mortgage free) but is happy for you to rent or have a mortgage until retirement, doesn't sound very fair or based on future needs at all.   Yes you're right it's incredibly messy for anyone in this situation, it starts off all friendly and then quickly changes once money is at stake, it's a real shame it all comes down to this.   In an ideal world the children are put first and it shouldn't matter whether one party comes out worse than the other - in reality though both parents IMO need to be healthy & not struggling to make ends meet otherwise this will directly impact the children.

3 hours ago, tanyashaw79 said:

I moved out of the family home because the atmosphere was so toxic. I was sleeping on my eldest's floor and I just couldn't stay there any longer. If I did anything he didn't agree with he'd punish me, it was awful. 

Thank you so much for your response Joanna. I really hope your situation isn't as awful as mine. Do you feel prepared for your hearing? Wishing you best wishes. 

That's completely understandable.   

3 hours ago, tanyashaw79 said:

Thank you so much for your response Joanna. I really hope your situation isn't as awful as mine. Do you feel prepared for your hearing? Wishing you best wishes. 

My situtation is great (no one's is) but yours is worse and I really feel for you.   Please keep me posted on how it's going, sorry I can't offer any solid advice, I'm trying to do a lot of research myself and it's difficult as there is so much conflicting information out of the web.   No I don't feel prepared at all for my hearing, despite having long delays and you would think plenty of time to understand my options ...

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4 hours ago, tanyashaw79 said:

But the amount he can get from them is only the amount he is offering me. So if I don't agree to it, he will have to give the money back and put the house on the market. He's trying to bully me I know but I just can't get blacklisted and have bad credit. If he buys me out with his family's money he knows that he won't need credit, whereas I will. I'm stuck! 

Hi again,

I would take his family's money out of the equation, you would have a claim on the current equity regardless - it sounds like the house needs to be put on the market regardless but as Joanna says I wouldn't agree to any house valuation, or putting it on the market & certainly no sale until a solicitor has confirmed what your options are.  It's a horrible situation to be in.  Was this a long marriage? this also has a bearing on any settlement.

As a worst case scenario, say he did stop paying and the house was repossessed - the council would then need to provide you and the children with suitable temporary accommodation and you would then get benefits to allow you rent somewhere.  I wouldn't engage with him directly anymore, I would only negotiate via a professional mediator or solicitor.

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Hi Tanya,

Thanks for posting this, I'm probably just repeating what others have said here but here are my thoughts on this situation ...

Contact your lender as soon as possible, explain the situation and see if they have any options for you, such as a temporary payment plan or forbearance. They may be able to offer some flexibility if they are aware of the situation.

Consider mediation as this is a far less expensive way to reach an agreement with your ex about the mortgage than going to court.  A mediator can help you communicate and work out a solution that is fair to both of you, I've used MediateUK who are really good - I have used them myself.   They have some really good explainers about all kinds of scenarios although I've not yet seen anything about your specific situation on there

At the end of the day you need to talk to a solicitor who specializes in family law or property - they can advise you of your rights and legal options in this situation. They can help you negotiate with your ex-spouse or take legal action if necessary and help prepare for your court case if it comes to that.  There are risks if you go without a solicitor / represent yourself

  • You might get an unfair settlement - you might unknowingly accept less than you deserve
  • There may be hidden assets - you might miss out on uncovering important financial details
  • You could make legal mistakes which will complicate matters later
  • Representing yourself in court can be stressful & disadvantageous - you could make a mistake when bringing emotions into things

I would consult a solicitor even if you think are amicable (which by the sound of it they are not). They can review the agreement, explain your rights, and offer peace of mind.  You want to offload the stress to them as much as possible - let them worry about the best course of action.   Obviously this all comes at a cost which not many can afford so I fully appreciate your complex situation 😞 

Make sure you gather evidence of your attempts to get your ex to pay. Keep copies of any emails, texts, or other communication where you try to discuss the mortgage payments with your ex.

If possible explore ways to increase your income so you can cover more of the mortgage payment temporarily.

Here are some useful links, not sure if you've contacted either

I'll do a bit more research on this myself and let you know if I find anything else.

Good luck Tanya, please let us all know how you get on.

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1 hour ago, Joanna said:

Hi Tanya,

It's understandable you're trying to keep the solicitor fees to a minimum, the problem is that if it's a contested divorce and drags out it could cost you more in the long run if you don't get early advice.  I’m pleased you have everything in writing, his behaviour won't come across as very acceptable to the court. 

The best you can do is what you’re already doing: inform the mortgage company you’re willing to work with them & cover the interest payment.  I would have thought they are better off with receiving some money rather than nothing, but if it’s a joint mortgage it may not be possible unless both of you agree due to the way contracts work.

The mortgage company must have delt with this situation before many times, they should be able to clarify your options, perhaps explain you have a court hearing coming up - they may be able to offer you a payment holiday for a few months.  Perhaps being the primary carer for your 2 children works in your favour as well.  I’m not sure how the blacklisting works and whether you can get the court to order you are taken off that list at a later date.  

Are you going to represent yourself at court?   There is quite a lot of paperwork which needs to get sorted out beforehand, i.e. its not just the legal advice which your solicitor will offer.

Do you know whether he’s recently lost his job or something, it’s not clear why he was able to pay the mortgage before but not now?

Hi again,

Yes, I will speak to the mortgage company tomorrow and see if they can technically override him. He's told me that he will cancel anything I set up so surely they can see what he's trying to do. 

I am planning to represent myself in court but I've heard how it can be quite harrowing and stressful but I can't afford not to.

He hasn't lost his job. He's saying that because I've applied for child maintenance (and have been granted £170 per month, he can't afford to pay the mortgage anymore.

He actually got a promotion towards the end of last year and with it a huge increase in his employer contributing to his pension. When he told me he'd stopped the mortgage DD he also informed me that he'd stopped his contribution to his pension (which stopped his employer's contribution as well) - claiming it was another outgoing that he couldn't afford because I had applied (after a year of separation) for the child maintenance. The thing is is that even with the child maintenance he could afford the interest only mortgage payment because it would be lower than the original mortgage amount. He can afford it, he's just using it to pressure me into accepting his offer. 

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5 hours ago, Joanna said:

Won't it be an upheaval for them anyway if you move, or are you intending to keep renting?  Are you buying a house once you receive your share of the equity, in which case you and the children will need to move anyway.   I wouldn't let him play on that at all.   Depending on the funds available it may not be possible for him to remain in the house anyway, the court may deem you require a much larger share of the property equity to the point where his family can't cover the current mortgage dept and your pay-off.   The court will look at all savings, investments, debts, current salaries, earning potential, skills, age, pensions, current & future expected monthly bills etc. etc. they will determine what you both need to live on going forwards and your future needs - focusing primarily on what the children require.

This is pretty much what he's saying. He's saying that unless I accept his offer he will have to give the money back to his family and the house will have to be put on the market. (a threat if you ask me). I'm actually at the point now where I think that selling will be the best bet. I'm not agreeing to his offer out of court though. If we sell the house then we will have to wait until court for settlement to be finalised by the court. 

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5 hours ago, Joanna said:

The offer he's offering you may in fact be a lot less than you're actually entitled to.   Whilst I wouldn't heavily discount the value of the property for a quick sale you do need to weigh up the pros & cons of delaying it.   I would definitely not agree to any house sale or deal he offers without getting at least some initial advice from a solicitor, you may well find out you have more options than you initially realised.

Are you going to mediation at all or did that fall through?  The mediator can also suggest suitable options and they are there to get you 2 talking.   Meditation unfortunately failed miserably for me and ended up being a waste of time (after 8 sessions) as we were too far apart in what we both wanted.  The court will want to see (& need proof) that you both tried mediation, they will ask for a certificate.

We went to 3 mediation sessions (all paid by me as he was refusing). It was a complete waste of time. The mediator was the one who stopped it as my husband just wouldn't negotiate. It was a painful experience. This is why it's proving so hard to negotiate anything with him directly. But I just can't afford to communicate through my solicitor. A letter to him would cost hundreds... 

I'm sorry to hear mediation failed. 8 sessions is a lot too. 

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5 hours ago, Joanna said:

You are correct, neither of you will be able to touch the the proceeds of the house sale - the funds will stay with an independant solicitor until such a time you've reached a legal agreement.  One potentially issue you should be aware of though - he (or you) could request money from the shared pot in order to pay for his housing or legal fees, thus potentially reducing both of your savings, I've heard of this scenario before.

I have never heard of this happening in the instance of selling before settlement has been reached. He does have his family's money to fall back on but is reluctant to use it now to pay the mortgage so would probably be the same if we had to wait for court. 

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5 hours ago, Joanna said:

It's sounding more and more like you only option is to go to court, don't just roll over and give in, a bad decision may affect you for the rest of your life.

I guess in hindsight you could have applied to the CMS immediately, was there a reason for delaying this?  It sounds like he's expecting to keep the house (and maybe even mortgage free) but is happy for you to rent or have a mortgage until retirement, doesn't sound very fair or based on future needs at all.   Yes you're right it's incredibly messy for anyone in this situation, it starts off all friendly and then quickly changes once money is at stake, it's a real shame it all comes down to this.   In an ideal world the children are put first and it shouldn't matter whether one party comes out worse than the other - in reality though both parents IMO need to be healthy & not struggling to make ends meet otherwise this will directly impact the children.

That's completely understandable.   

My situtation is great (no one's is) but yours is worse and I really feel for you.   Please keep me posted on how it's going, sorry I can't offer any solid advice, I'm trying to do a lot of research myself and it's difficult as there is so much conflicting information out of the web.   No I don't feel prepared at all for my hearing, despite having long delays and you would think plenty of time to understand my options ...

I will definitely keep you posted. This week will possibly be a big one! Wish me luck!

I really hope you and your ex come to some sort of agreement, although they sound quite similar to mine so I wish you all the luck in the world. 

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4 hours ago, Peter B said:

Hi again,

I would take his family's money out of the equation, you would have a claim on the current equity regardless - it sounds like the house needs to be put on the market regardless but as Joanna says I wouldn't agree to any house valuation, or putting it on the market & certainly no sale until a solicitor has confirmed what your options are.  It's a horrible situation to be in.  Was this a long marriage? this also has a bearing on any settlement.

As a worst case scenario, say he did stop paying and the house was repossessed - the council would then need to provide you and the children with suitable temporary accommodation and you would then get benefits to allow you rent somewhere.  I wouldn't engage with him directly anymore, I would only negotiate via a professional mediator or solicitor.

Thank you Peter. It's just so hideously expensive to communicate through solicitors. Once this is all over and settled I will be blocking him on whatsapp and insisting on communication regarding the children only via one of these apps that you can get that. 

I'm not interested in his family's money. I'm just annoyed that he won't use it to pay the current mortgage that keeps a roof over his and our children's heads (40% of the time). We were co-habiting for 10 years and married for 6 years. 

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12 hours ago, tanyashaw79 said:

He's told me that he will cancel anything I set up so surely they can see what he's trying to do. 

Hi again, yes you would hope so!  Good luck 👍

12 hours ago, tanyashaw79 said:

I am planning to represent myself in court but I've heard how it can be quite harrowing and stressful but I can't afford not to.

Yes it can be but just depends whether you have the funds or not, most people simply can't afford it so have no choice but to represent themselves.  At least once it's done it's done, I just hope it doesn't all drag out like it did for me.

12 hours ago, tanyashaw79 said:

He hasn't lost his job. He's saying that because I've applied for child maintenance (and have been granted £170 per month, he can't afford to pay the mortgage anymore.

He actually got a promotion towards the end of last year and with it a huge increase in his employer contributing to his pension. When he told me he'd stopped the mortgage DD he also informed me that he'd stopped his contribution to his pension (which stopped his employer's contribution as well) - claiming it was another outgoing that he couldn't afford because I had applied (after a year of separation) for the child maintenance. The thing is is that even with the child maintenance he could afford the interest only mortgage payment because it would be lower than the original mortgage amount. He can afford it, he's just using it to pressure me into accepting his offer. 

The court will decide what he can & can't afford, £170 doesn't sound like much to result in you both getting blacklisted.   Could you temporarily agree to no child maintenance until court hearing?  I'm not even sure if that is possible once CMS is involved.  

Your respective Form Es will show your monthly payments, investments & debts, I don't know what % that £170 is of his monthly net salary is but I would try determine where all this money is going if its not being spent on the mortgage.   If he had lost his job you could understand the lack of funds but if he's had a promotion it doesn't add up.

Again, in the end the court will decide what he can and can't afford, not him.  Whether he's getting money from his family or not to pay off the mortgage I'm pretty sure he wouldn't want to get blacklisted and end up with a bad credit rating as this will affect any other future loans he may require.

Don't feel pressured or rush into accepting anything.

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12 hours ago, tanyashaw79 said:

I'm actually at the point now where I think that selling will be the best bet. I'm not agreeing to his offer out of court though. If we sell the house then we will have to wait until court for settlement to be finalised by the court. 

From everything you've said I would agree that selling is probably the best option, and yes don't agree to any offers out of court or without any specialist solicitor advice.

If you're currently renting in a different property his house doesn't affect you right?  he would then need to rent until it's all been finalised by the court?

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12 hours ago, tanyashaw79 said:

We went to 3 mediation sessions (all paid by me as he was refusing). It was a complete waste of time. The mediator was the one who stopped it as my husband just wouldn't negotiate. It was a painful experience. This is why it's proving so hard to negotiate anything with him directly. But I just can't afford to communicate through my solicitor. A letter to him would cost hundreds... 

I think I only have 1 friend which mediation actually worked, and that was because it was a very simple 50/50 split - they agreed to split the children 50/50 and they were both on exactly the same income with the same job.   I think they were all done within 3 sessions.

It was a painful experience for me as well, you think you're making progress and then it's back to square 1 again.  Very up and down emotionally and you start questioning whether you can actually trust anyone ever again.

The solicitor letters are a joke, they quickly mount up costing £100s per response - for example just one simple question can result in 4 emails back & forth.   The only winners in this are the ones working in the legal system.   Don't get me wrong the advice is important but when things drag out it feels like solicitors on both sides are doing everything they can to generate more correspondence ...

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12 hours ago, tanyashaw79 said:

I will definitely keep you posted. This week will possibly be a big one! Wish me luck!

I really hope you and your ex come to some sort of agreement, although they sound quite similar to mine so I wish you all the luck in the world. 

Good luck Tanya & thanks! 👍

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On 5/10/2024 at 11:27 PM, tanyashaw79 said:

I'm hoping for a bit of advice please.

My husband and I separated 2 years ago and I moved out of the family home 14 months ago. I am renting privately and my husband is still in the family home paying the mortgage. We are due to attend court for our final financial hearing in October. We have two young boys who are residing with me 60/40.

We have little assets. Our home which has been valued at £315000 with a mortgage of £168000 left. Our pensions are very similar. Mine is £39k, his is £30k.

He has made me an offer of 50% of the house equity minus the early repayment fee and the cost of sale. He is also taking 50% of the difference in our pensions (£4.5k minus cost to get pension statements). He has been lent money from his family to buy me out and pay off the remainder of the mortgage.

He is now telling me that he is struggling financially and can't afford to pay the mortgage anymore. He has stopped the mortgage direct debit and says that unless I accept his offer out of court, he will default and we will both have bad credit going forward. I suppose he's not bothered because he has his family's money and won't need a mortgage or to rent if he buys me out but I will need to.

This has ovbiously scared me and I have spoken to the lender who have advised me that we can switch to an interest only mortgage for the next 6 months and that will take us (almost!) up to the court hearing, but my husband has to agree. I've spoken to him and told him this but he is refusing and says if I change it to an interest only mortgage he will cancel it.

I am completely stuck and don't know what to do. He's essentially trying to bully me into accepting with the threat of defaulting. He has access to his family's money but won't use it to pay the mortgage until the hearing and is saying that we have to put it up for a quick sale (below lowest valuation) so I will essentially get less than what he's offering so it's in my best interest to accept.

What can I do in this position? My Dad has offered to lend me the money to buy him out but I know he will refuse this straight away.

What happens if both parties want to buy each other out but one is saying he now can't afford to pay the mortgage? Will the court order us to sell to a 3rd party or say I can buy him out (even if he refuses)?

Any advice would be greatly appreciated please.
Thank you!

Hi, this sounds awful.  Your ex's threat to stop paying the mortgage to hurt your credit is a serious issue.  I think you are but definitely contact the lender and explain the situtation, ask them to put a note on your account regarding your ex's threat as they may help minimize the damage to your credit score.  Request a credit report from a credit bureau to monitor your credit score for any changes.  Unfortunately if you're both still on the mortgage you're both responsible for payments.

You may be able to sever your ties to the property via a court order, or may even be able to sue your ex for any damages caused by not paying the mortgage.

Whatever you do don't engage in threats or retaliation & keep records of your ex's threats and any communication regarding the mortgage.

I wish you luck and hope you get this resolve soon.

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Thank you everyone for all your advice. 

Today has been awful.

So since telling me that because I've applied for child maintenance (£170pm) he can't pay the mortgage and has been sending email on email trying to force me to accept his out of court offer. He's not spoken to the lender to try and negotiate and has just cancelled the direct debit for the mortgage. I have spoken to the lender and changed to an interest only mortgage. My husband doesn't know this yet but has said that he will cancel this if I do this. He's not interested in an interest only mortgage as he can't afford to pay the mortgage and wants to sell. 

I have always been keen for him to stay in the house and if he can buy me out and stay there then that'll be less upheaval for the boys. He knows this and has been using it against me emotionally.

Fast forward to yesterday when I just had enough of all the abuse and said "ok, put the house on the market". We'll sell the house and the proceeds will stay with the solicitor until the court hearing. He was obviously shocked and he has lost his head. He has been stating all along that he can't afford to pay the mortgage and wants to sell, now I've given him permission to put it on the market he's refusing. He's now saying that he's happy to wait until October for the court case and he will be sure to tell the judge that his offer is "fair and reasonable" and I'm being the difficult one with not accepting (more threats). He's told me that unless I don't want to be blacklisted he'd advise me to start paying the mortgage. He knows this isn't an option (unless I put it on my credit card) because I'm paying my own rent elsewhere (over £1k per month). He is trying to force me to accept his offer (which I don't think is fair) by saying he can't afford the mortgage and needs to sell. I've said ok and he's now refusing saying he'll sit there and not pay the mortgage until the court hearing. 

He's such an awful person. I really don't know that to do. Surely this is financial abuse and coercion?

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2 hours ago, SarahP said:

Hi, this sounds awful.  Your ex's threat to stop paying the mortgage to hurt your credit is a serious issue.  I think you are but definitely contact the lender and explain the situtation, ask them to put a note on your account regarding your ex's threat as they may help minimize the damage to your credit score.  Request a credit report from a credit bureau to monitor your credit score for any changes.  Unfortunately if you're both still on the mortgage you're both responsible for payments.

You may be able to sever your ties to the property via a court order, or may even be able to sue your ex for any damages caused by not paying the mortgage.

Whatever you do don't engage in threats or retaliation & keep records of your ex's threats and any communication regarding the mortgage.

I wish you luck and hope you get this resolve soon.

Thank you so much. 

I ALWAYS keep my replies to him short and to the point but I never retaliate. He is constantly throwing threats at me (not about causing physical harm to me) but more threats about what will happen if I don't do this, or I don't do that. I keep EVERYTHING! 

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