shared parenting Why 50/50 shared parenting is important

[Joanna]

Hi everyone, I thought I would post this interesting article about 50/50 shared parenting, I think it's really important a child spends the same amount of time with each parent

• https://timtab.com/50-50-custody-benefits-why-shared-parenting-important/

[Peter B]

I couldn't agree more Joanna, it seems some people think that they are entitled to see the children more than the other parent, or worse: using the children in order to maximise maintenance payments. 

The prospect of seeing my children any less than 100% of the time (as I have done since their birth) is really scary & upsetting. To then be told I may only see them say 30% of the time or less (i.e. every other weekend) is even more worrying.  What makes this even worse is that my spouses new partner may end up seeing my children more than me, the father.

Back to you point, yes it's extremely important that children spend an equal time with both parents (IMO), so long both jobs allow for this and can work around the children (home life, school drop offs / pick ups, appointments etc.) - of course both parents would need to live fairly close to each other as well.

[SarahP]

I thought I would post as I don't think 50/50 parenting is always appropriate, due to a number of reasons ...

• What if there is a lot of conflict between the parents & you can't communicate properly.  If you're constantly arguing this can create a bad environment for the children.
• Very young children need stability & routine, you don't want to be constantly moving them between homes as this is disruptive.
• It's not easy if you both live far apart - if not now what about in the future, is there anything to stop the other parent moving away?
• You could both have different parenting styles - this could be really difficult for the children to understand what is expected of them.
• What if there are safety issues - depends on whether there is any neglect or abuse, or perhaps one parent has mental health issues.

However I do agree that where possible children should spend an equal amount of time with both parents.

On another note I'm in two minds whether a court should decide a child custody arrangement or whether the parents should decide between themselves and keep the agreement more flexible & out of court - does anyone have any experience or advice about these options?

[Joanna]

Thanks everyone, I hadn't considered all of these points, it's so difficult when children are involved and knowing what is truly best for them.

[tanyashaw79]

Hello everyone, 

I am going through the child arrangement hearings at the moment so this is very good timing for me. Whilst I agree 50/50 is good and fair for both Mum and Dad, it HAS to be about what's best for the children. We have two young children (2 and 6), I have always been the primary caregiver and this is all they know. I am still breastfeeding the youngest (I realise I will have to stop at some point) but I breastfeed our eldest until she was almost 3. Our youngest still relies on being breastfed when she is upset or needing comfort for some reason and the thought of having to stop this before she is ready is awful. 

Whilst I realise some parties use it to maximise maintenance payments it also works the other way too. My ex is using the fact that he is 'entitled' to 50/50 to avoid paying me anything in terms of the children's basic necessities and has done for the last 14 months since I moved out of the family home. 

As some of you know I have also had to deal with his awful behaviour for the last year. He has constantly used coercive control and child arrangements to control what myself and the children do. Because I have applied for child maintenance he has now stopped paying the mortgage for our jointly owned house he lives in alone (to force me into accepting his out of court financial offer). It has been constant harassment by message, emotional blackmail (myself and the children) and threats and blackmail to get me to do that he wants. 

How can he honestly say that his behaviour warrants him having our children 50/50? His behaviour will have an effect on our children going forward and I'm really scared how this will play out if he gets 50/50 and isn't told that it isn't acceptable. Everything he does to me to punish me for leaving has a direct effect on the children and he honestly doesn't care about it. 

Our children are still so young. I'm not saying that we shouldn't be working towards 50/50 at some point down the line but he needs to stop this logic of thinking HE'S 'entitled' to it and think about what is best for our children. 

We were actually in court yesterday for the child dispute resolution hearing and it was awful (I need advice on this so will post separately) but the court just didn't seem interested in his abuse. Didn't listen to what I had to say and how it affects the children (and will do into the future). We currently do 60/40 but due to his awful behaviour I have asked for roughly a 70/30 arrangement, whereas he is going for 50/50 and won't budge on this. It's all about control with him but again they didn't seem interested because they have this notion that 50/50 is best but it really isn't in all cases. 

[Peter B]

On 5/29/2024 at 6:40 AM, tanyashaw79 said:

Whilst I agree 50/50 is good and fair for both Mum and Dad, it HAS to be about what's best for the children.

Yes I completely agree on this, so many people lose sight of this and only think about themselves.

On 5/29/2024 at 6:40 AM, tanyashaw79 said:

Our youngest still relies on being breastfed when she is upset or needing comfort for some reason and the thought of having to stop this before she is ready is awful.

I think it would be extremely unlikely for a court to expect a mother to stop breastfeeding early due to shared care arrangements, I've never heard of this situation. 

The child's well-being is paramount, the courts prioritise the child's best interests, and the benefits of breastfeeding are well-documented. Forcing separation that disrupts feeding could be detrimental.

I guess it's possible courts may not prioritise extended breastfeeding over a strong bond with the other parent, however breastfeeding past infancy is considered normal and healthy.

Edited June 1, 2024 by Peter B

[Noah W]

In what circumstances would I not be awarded 50/50 shared care of the children?

There are a few reasons why a court in the UK might not award a 50/50 shared care arrangement, here are some of the main factors they consider

• The child's needs: This is the most important factor. The court will prioritize what's best for your child's well-being and stability. A 50/50 split might not be ideal for very young children who need consistency or if it disrupts their schooling and social activities.
• Your living arrangements: The practicality of a 50/50 arrangement is important. If you and your ex live far apart, frequent travel could be disruptive for the child. Likewise, if either home environment is unstable or unsuitable, it could count against 50/50 care.
• Your ability to cooperate: Shared care requires good communication and cooperation between parents. If there's a lot of conflict between you and your ex, it could make a 50/50 arrangement difficult to manage.
• Your relationship with the child: The court will consider the strength and quality of the relationship you already have with your child.

[Peter B]

Another article on 50/50 custody benefits & why shared parenting is important ...

• https://timtab.com/50-50-custody-benefits-why-shared-parenting-important/